Christmas season is a time for sharing but not for an immigrant elderly couple in California. Having endured more than three decades of abuse from her husband, Rosa finally made a decision this Christmas to leave their conjugal home.
US immigration law has provisions that protect the immigrant spouse from being a victim of domestic violence. Under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), an immigrant spouse may be divorced or separated from the US citizen yet still be able to obtain a green card if there are indications of abuse on the part of the US citizen. We rarely hear of US citizens as victims because most immigrant stories are concerned with abuses on immigrant spouses. While not common, there are also US citizens who fall victims to the immigrant spouses they petition. Having petitioned their spouses because of love and good faith intention to marry, some US citizen petitioners also become victims when their immigrant spouses behave in ways showing that their real motivation is just to obtain a green card.
Marrying Late
Rosa’s parents were one of the first Filipino immigrants in Hawaii in the early 1900s. She was born in the US but her family returned to the Philippines when she was five years old. She grew up and was educated in Manila.
Rosa returned to the United States in the late 1970s when she accepted a job offer from a hospital in New York. During one of her few visits in Manila, Rosa met Ricardo who was 10 years younger than her. After a brief courtship, they got married. She petitioned Ricardo who then arrived in the US as a green card and they have lived together as a couple for the last 30 years in Southern California.
A few weeks after Ricardo arrived in the US, Rosa noticed the change in her husband’s character. He became controlling and would easily get angry when he did not get things done his way. Moreover, the couple never had any children as Rosa was not biologically capable of conceiving. Despite their relationship difficulties, Rosa still loved Ricardo and did everything to make their relationship work.
For many years, Rosa endured the harsh treatment she got from Ricardo for fear that the latter would leave her. She surrendered everything to him including all their financial affairs and decisions in regard her employment. Rosa was forced to retire early and stayed home to attend to the household while Ricardo continued working.
The Cycle of Abuse
Ricardo yelled and cursed at Rosa for little things such as failure of Rosa to obtain an item from the grocery. She got humiliated whenever household chores were not accomplished on time. At one instance, Rosa raised her voice and in retaliation Ricardo grabbed a knife and threatened her with it. While she was not physically hurt in this incident, Rosa remained fearful because of violent threats like these from Ricardo. These threats of violence happened several times.
After every violent encounter, Ricardo would calm down and try to make it up by showering Rosa with expensive gifts or travels. When matters had settled down after a certain period, Ricardo would go back to his abusive ways again.
Rosa tried many times to leave Ricardo. She even went to court for a restraining order and stayed in a friend’s house for a month. But every time she left, Ricardo would be able to win her back. She would eventually return home with him again. Ricardo oftentimes contacted their religious ministers and counselors to talk to Rosa about not leaving him and how they should remain together as a couple. Despite great difficulty and reluctance on her part, Rosa would eventually bow to the pressure from their religious elders and always gave the relationship with Ricardo lots of chances to work out.
Determined to Leave
Rosa, who just turned 80 years old this year, finally made a determined decision to leave Ricardo. Last month, she went to her doctor for treatment and never returned home. With the help of her physician she was able to reside in an elderly care home.
Ricardo was very upset with Rosa’s decision to leave. She now has a restraining order against Ricardo who may not come and visit Rosa at the care home.
It took many years for Rosa to make this final decision to leave. She gave her husband many chances to change. Rosa regrets having married him. Despite having been married to Ricardo for all these years, Rosa keeps repeating that in her heart she was just used by Ricardo for obtaining the green card. The process of petitioning took place several decades ago but Rosa keeps blaming herself for petitioning Ricardo.
An Ordinary Day
The elderly care home where Rosa now resides is filled with Christmas spirit and festive decorations that indicate holiday cheers. Children and grandchildren visit the residents of the care home every week. Rosa, however, remains mostly alone without any visitors except for a few friends who visit now and then. Nevertheless, she claims that she is filled with peace in her heart.
Christmas connotes joyful celebration and sharing with loved ones. For Rosa, she loved her husband more than herself. But this time, she said that she is exhausted and had to make this decision to be ‘left alone’ even if this meant that this might be a “lonely” Christmas for her.
Just when most people plan on having reunions with family this holiday season, we should be aware that there are also individuals who may decide to be alone. It is an available choice that individuals can make.
Prior to learning about Rosa’s case, I had always perceived of retirement homes negatively for Filipino seniors. I had always thought that retirement in the Philippines surrounded by relatives and friends would be better than living alone in an elderly care home here in the US. But then I realized that it is a matter of perspective. Each of us came from different backgrounds and experiences and we have no right to judge others on how they decide to spend their retirement years much less impose our standards of Christmas on them.
For Rosa, being in the residential care home is her ‘haven’ away from an abusive spouse. She does not care that she has to give up the comfort of her own home or the retirement savings that is in the possession of her husband. She is already of advanced age and feels exhausted. After so many years of being in an abusive relationship, all she wishes for is solitude. Rosa finally garnered enough courage to change –she wants to be left alone. Let her be.
(Tancinco may be reached at law@tancinco.com or at 8877177)
